There are not a lot of things that get me angry, but just for fun, here are three:

 

1. People who talk while watching movies and television shows. I have a pretty simple philosophy when it comes to this sort of thing: If you talk during the movie, the usher should be allowed to drag you into the middle of the street and start taking out all the inner turmoil and frustration they have built up from being an usher out on you.

 

Preferably they’d do this with one of those barbed wire 2 x 4′s Mick Foley used to use, but any object of considerable weight will do, up to and including a steel plated dildo.

 

Seriously. Don’t talk during the fucking movie. Don’t look at your cell phone. Just watch the God damn thing. When did this become such a hard thing for people to do?

 

2. Don’t cheat. Don’t take any short cuts. Don’t steal. Don’t be dishonest. These can all be rolled together under the umbrella of “Don’t be an asshole”. Nobody likes an asshole. Just shut up, do your thing, don’t be a shitty person, and get on with your life.

 

Again, really basic stuff, but also incredibly hard for some people to get a grasp on.

 

“Don’t Be An Asshole” is tied with …

 

2. I hate this movement in America to make everything “Family Friendly”. You can’t swear at the ballpark because little Tammy might go home and call her mother a cunt because of you. You can’t smoke cigarettes at the park because it’ll get in the way of all the other toxic shit your kid is breathing in, like ozone and whatever shit the underfunded public works department covered the playground set in.

 

There’s this expectation now that you have to always be on your best behavior in public to set a good example “for the children”.

 

Hey, I got a novel concept for you: Fuck the children. Seriously. Fuck ‘em. They’re dumb, fat, ignorant, lazy, sticky, and loud. And it’s all your fault.

 

Not mine. Not the politicans. Not the teachers. It’s yours.

 

All this “family friendly” shit is, is another way for parents to pass the buck on to someone else. “Don’t blame me for my shitty kids, blame the Internet! Blame the teachers! Blame that mexican with the neck tattoo because I’m a racist and think all mexicans with a neck tattoo belong to a gang. One that wants to indoctrinate my children in the ways of the street. I’ve seen The Wire! You can’t tell me I’m wrong!”

 

You want to know why people act like assholes and talk during movies? It’s because instead of giving their kids beatings, they’re giving them iPads. And you know what iPads are? A way to shut their stupid kid up for six hours so Mommy and Daddy can concentrate on their failed marriage and otherwise unhappy life.

 

I don’t like your kids. Nobody does. So take some responsibility and make them into little people that we’ll like.

 

If your kids don’t grow up to be assholes, you’ll have done the rest of the world a favor, and in turn, that’ll lead to a nicer, friendlier, and kinder society all on its own.

 

The kind you want for your kids.

 

3. Sensitive, whiny, liberal, college educated white guys

 

I have no idea who Colin Kane was, until today, when I read some whiny blog post about the stuff Colin Kane writes from a sensitive, whiny, liberal, college educated white guy.

 

I can tell the guy was all these things because of the outrage, the outrage!, of reading jokes he didn’t like and the need to tell the world that not only did he not like those jokes, but that the comedian wasn’t funny and was inabling misognyists to beat women with impunity because of them.

 

Seriously.

 

And yes, I don’t think Colin Kane is funny. In fact, aside from this little rant here, I’m going to go back to pretending he doesn’t exist. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter what he writes. I don’t like it, it’s not for me, and I’m moving on with my life.

 

Nothing I say or do about the guy is going to matter. I can’t stop him from writing what he does, and if some people like that? Awesome. But it has no impact on me, and it has no impact on society at large because if you buy into the theory that he’s an enabler for hateful, ignorant people, the odds are those people already think that way to begin with, and it’s most likely because of their shitty parents and a sustained Republican-lead assault on public education that’s been going on for decades now.

 

If parents raised their kids to think critically about stuff, and not be an asshole, and they didn’t back politicans who want to constantly scapegoat teachers and public schools, then you wouldn’t have these people you’re afraid of being enabled by a Colin Kane (or a Tucker Max, or an Adam Carolla, or whoever it is people want to complan about for the next few hours.)

 

Yes. American culture has been kind of shitty to women, and yes, it’s worth being a little more sensitive about making those jokes the same way we should be just a little bit more sensitive about jokes about any other group that American culture has shit on, which as you no doubt know, has been fucking everybody.

 

However, that in NO WAY means you can’t make those jokes, but I’d like to think there’s a higher bar you should reach for if you’re going to make them, like if it brings the audience to a point where it’s cool to laugh about ourselves or where it’s part of a larger point about society.

 

But there’s two things the Internet has brought us that absolutely sucks:

 

1. We now know how big of a fucking idiot your favorite celebrity / professional wrestler / athlete / anchor / otherwise famous person is. And that sucks. Because now when you go, “Hey, did you ever wonder what happened to Rey Mysterio Jr.?” you now know he’s not on television anymore because Rey Mysterio hates Jews and that’s why he lost his job*.

 

Back in the old days, you didn’t know that shit, and the world was a better place for it. Think about it. Think about the celebrities you follow online and tell me you weren’t at least once disappointed by something retarded that they said or did. You can’t. It’s impossible. You know why? Because they’re almost exclusively fucking idiots / racists / bigots / and assholes.

 

Jenny McCarthy is a great example of this. When I was in middle school, I used to beat off to pictures of her all the time, but now when I look at her I don’t see a beautiful woman, I see a fucking idiot spreading dangerous information that’s harmful to children.

 

2. The aforementioned sensitive, whiny, liberal, college educated white guys. The guys who say you can’t make any kind of joke about anyone because they think it’s offensive / insensitive / harmful to children and society at large. The ones who produce a whole lot of what we read and consume on the Internet every day.

 

Jesus Christ do I hate these people.

 

Everything is a fucking issue with them. Everything. “Some dumb comedian wrote a bunch of horrible jokes? HOLY SHIT, I’m going to tell the world about how awful that guy is, all the while I’m going to pretend to respect the rights of others to say what they want … as long as they say something that doesn’t offend me.”

 

It’s bullshit. But this happens ALL THE TIME now. ALL THE TIME. Everything now has to be a thing. Everything, no matter how small and meaningless it is in the grand scheme of the universe. Everything is now something to be outraged about.

 

Seriously. Wait like, ten minutes, and something else will happen, and it’ll be white, whiny, liberal, college educated guy to the rescue, telling you all about the horribleness of something that just happened, why it’s bad for society, how that person is a misognist, racist, bigot, asshole, idiot, and how we should all boycott that person and hate on them until they receed into the ether, forcing that person to do the right thing and kill themselves, thus freeing our sensitive minds from their possible contamination, forever.

 

Look, I get it. These people are enabled by an economic model created by Google where the only thing that matters are page views, and the only way to drum up page views in a society where no one gives a shit about anyone but themselves is to sensationalize everything and anything, create a lynch mob, and shame some person so we can feel better about ourselves and pretend we’ve done something to contribute to the otherwise boring and meaningless human experience.

 

I totally get that.

 

But when you say stupid shit like, “I think people should be able to tweet whatever they want, but I also think people also have a responsibility to think about what they’re putting out into the world. Do you ever stop to think that maybe you’re doing something truly awful?”

 

That makes me crazy because what it pretty much means is “People can tweet whatever they want as long as it doesn’t offend me, and if it does, look out because I’m going to write you an open letter on my Tumblr which no one reads but the media linked to it because it was associated with a story that’ll get them page views, meaning people now, at least temporarily, give a shit about what I think, and I’m not going to pass up this opportunity to shove my worldview down everyone else’s throat.”

 

The difference between me and guys like the ones I’m describing is that I just don’t care. I operate under a very basic philosophy: Don’t bother people, shut up, do your work, only say something if it’s really important, and enjoy whatever time it is that you have because nothing you say or do is going to matter anyway, especially after your dead.

 

 

Nobody wants to hear about you and your problems. You want to contribute to society? Help put a stop to other people’s real shitty behavior. Not some guy telling stupid jokes to an audience of idiots, but people who are actively working to fuck everyone else over, either by selling them bullshit, passing shitty laws to help their rich friends, and actively doing what they can to keep society divided and ignorant by getting rid of our public places and relentlessly dicking over teachers.

 

 

You want to do something that matters? You help put a stop to that because that shit will last forever if you do it right. But this pointless bitching about everything any time anyone says something you personally don’t like is bullshit, especially when you think that what you say about it matters. It doesn’t. It’ll be gone in about an hour, the exact time it’ll take for these people to find something else to share their outrage about.

 

 

*Rey Mysterio Jr. doesn’t actually hate the Jews. I just think it’s funny to pretend he does.