The amount of time and research that goes into writing about social media marketers like Gary Vaynerchuk, or the former social media bible Mashable, or even companies like **** is extensive. (I’ll tell you about **** in two weeks.) I enjoy doing the work, but I also just turned thirty and I’m very aware that, I am getting major heart surgery, and it’s possible shit will go south during that procedure.

And so I ask myself, if I wasn’t going after the social media industry, what would I be doing?

If I can write anything right now, it wouldn’t be about the myth of social media. It’s not that taking on the myth isn’t important, it’s that I literally said all this stuff in Social Media Is Bullshit.

Although … looking back over the book, I feel a tremendous urge to not only strangle the copy-editor, whom all parties involved universally point the finger of hate at for the typos and wrong phone number, it’s 518-832-9844, but also to expand on some stuff. So what you see me doing now here on the blog is exactly that: I’m expanding on stuff from the book.

But what I really want to do is finish Dracula And Kittens. I know it’s funny. You know it’s funny. It’s the thing that got me my agent. The issue is entirely a financial one. Publishers don’t want fiction, and the audience I now have most likely doesn’t remember Dracula & Kittens. So I already have a tough battle ahead of me in selling Dracula And Kittens, but it’s made worse by having to literally start all over again in order to build an audience for it. Plus, it is a MASSIVE book. It’s not like Social Media Is Bullshit at all where it’s 176 pages and the rest are footnotes. Like, if I got to do Dracula & Kittens, that’s all I could work on for a solid year in order to finish it, and I’m not sure how I’d pay my bills while I worked on it.

And don’t go suggesting Kickstarter. You need a lot of small donations to occur within the first hour or so of your Kickstarter going live, you need a well produced video to go with your campaign, some decent press, and a whole lot of Facebook shares to trigger their algorithm. If you don’t have those things, they quickly drop you and slap a no-follow tag on your page so nobody sees it. It is NOT as simple as just “going to Kickstarter”. Sadly, Kickstarter is not a bank you can rob. It should be. But it’s not.

(P.S. Why hasn’t anyone done a parody site of Kickstarter involving people who want to raise money in order to commission crimes and other illegal activity? “I need $35,000  by tomorrow night otherwise they’re going to take my thumbs.”)

I’ve thought a lot about going to an advertiser and saying, “Here’s the deal: This book has offensive language, rampant sex, and I’m pretty sure it offends all three major Abrahamic-religions. How do you feel about giving me $30,000 so I can work on the book for a year, release it digitally where only 20% of book purchases are made, and slap your brand name all over the cover?”

Yeah, no. Not an easy sell. I’d have better luck raising money on that Kickstarter site for crime.

So, since I’m going in for heart surgery next month, and Dracula And Kittens is in a holding pattern, I thought I’d do a thing on other shit I want to eventually talk about besides the myth of social media. This way if I die stupidly during surgery, some crazed obituary writer who’s just getting off a 46 hour ether bender won’t go, “Oh. Brandon Mendelson died. He fucking hated social media”.

Well yeah, I do fucking hate the social media industry, but there’s other stuff I hate too! Such as …

1. I want kids, but I don’t fucking like them. Kids are fat, dumb, ignorant, lazy, self-entitled, spoiled, and dangerous. America would be a better place if we passed a law where, once a week, on a randomly assigned day as designated by the mayor of each local municipality, parents were allowed to missile dropkick their kids. Only once! And it would have to be announced. You couldn’t just kick down the door of their bedroom while your kid was masturbating and shout, “Gotcha motherfucker!” while executing a flawless missile dropkick. No. You would have to go, “Billy … I’m going to kick you in the face now.”

I think preparing kids for danger is important. It steels them, you know? This is the kind of shit I think about when I’m riding on the bus.

2. I’m an Atheist, but I fucking hate other Atheists. Seriously. They’re insufferable. “Hey, have I told you that your God doesn’t exist yet today?” I can’t stand these fucking people. That’s why I don’t go to Reddit anymore. They don’t shut the fuck up about Atheism  I don’t think there’s a God. It’s no big deal. I’m not forcing my belief on you, that’s a shitty thing to do. all I ever think when I visit Reddit these days and see the atheists talking is, “Shut the fuck up!” Or better still, I want to force them all to watch Skyler White saying shut up for three hours.

God doesn’t exist. It’s no big deal. You know why? Because there’s a MASSIVE UNIVERSE out there in front of you, and who knows what the fuck we’re going to find? You could find that our galaxy exists in some extraterrestrial’s humongous ballsack. Or maybe we’re all a singular concious experiencing itself subjectively? You don’t know.

So unless you got proof, don’t go around being a dick about something you believe in, you could be wrong.

3. I think teachers should be paid like professional athletes in exchange for working like professional athletes, and I fucking hate people who hate teachers. Fuck you. Seriously. If you hate teachers you’re an ugly prick that no one will ever love and you should die alone and childless under a cardboard box next to the banks of the Mississippi.

Here’s what I want to see for teacher: They get paid a million bucks a year. They get plenty of sick days. Free health insurance. Whatever they need. Tenure too. I believe in tenure. But I also think the evaluation system for teachers needs to be changed, and I’m not talking about test scores. Test scores are bullshit peddled by Republican pricks as an excuse to privatize public education and send kids to religious institutions where they can pray all day and not learn anything.

I’m talking about a thorough, independent evaluation done over the course of three years. And at the end of those three years, everything is taken into account (except test scores because kids learn different from one another and there’s a bunch of factors involved in how each kid performs on each test week in and week out.) And if you get a good evaluation as a teacher? You got tenure! If not, maybe teaching ain’t for you. I’ve known some great teachers, and I’ve known some awful ones. There are many, many, more great teachers than there are awful ones, but the way tenure and seniority is determined sometimes empowers those bad teachers and keeps them around longer than anyone wants. And then they do something retarded and the media is alerted to it. And the media hates teachers because they can’t possibly run news stories informing parents that they mostly suck, so they need someone to blame for their dumb, ugly, ignorant, entitled, selfish, and lazy kids who should be missile dropkicked at least once a week.

You might be wondering, “Well gee Brandon, how do we pay for that utopia for teachers?” It’s easy stranger, we kill the Batman.

Oh. Sorry. My signals got crossed. It’s easy. You know all the money that’s supposed to go to education, but doesn’t? You know, The New York State Lottery revenue for example? How about that money goes where it’s supposed to? And how about the state gets into selling other products and services, and uses the profits to fund this? That’s why I’m totally ok with casinos. As long as the money goes where it’s supposed to go? Fuck, let’s do it. I’ll go to Saratoga, do some coke, punch a few strippers, and play Wheel of Fortune in the name of education, and so should you!

4. I don’t have any real political beliefs. I don’t vote. I think it’s all bullshit. Education is the only issue I really care about. The planet is warming? Great! Let’s all move to Chicago, the South sucks anyway. The current administration lied about something? Don’t care. Every administration, even the guys who predate Washington and served as sort of presidents during each meeting of the Continental Congress, they all lied about something too. Shit, even Lincoln’s actions to suspend habeas corpus was blocked by the Supreme Court, and Lincoln ignored them and continued to do it anyway.

This shouldn’t be taken as an anti-government position. It’s not. I’ve just opted-out of anything having to do with the government. Essentially, I’m taking the same position George Carlin did, “The Public sucks, fuck hope”.

And also, I’ve generally opted-out of most of the day to day bullshit of life. Fuck you, don’t bother me. I got better shit to do, like missile dropkick random kids at the mall.

5. I hate people who write TV Recaps and the sites that produce them, professional wrestling recaps not withstanding. That shit is just awesome over at With Leather. If you’re not reading The Best & Worst Of Monday Night Raw and The Best & Worst Of Impact Wrestling on With Leather, you are missing out on a consistently funny and weekly blog post that is enjoyable even if you don’t like wrestling. But holy fuck, is there anyone more insufferable than the person who wants to tell you the series finale of The Office was disappointing because it didn’t deliver one thing they wanted to see? Jesus Christ. Really? I’m so glad you got paid for that because clearly I lack the mental capacity to watch a television show I enjoy and make rational thoughts concerning the quality of the content I just watched.

Did you ever wonder who reads TV Recap blog posts besides idiots? I do! Fuck those people.

6. I actively LOL at people who think they have any shed of privacy in this world. NOPE! You don’t. If it’s not Google, it’s the government. If it’s not the government, it’s Target. Yes. Target. If it’s not Target, it’s your cell phone provider. You’ve heard it said before, and it’s partly true: If you don’t pay to use a service, you’re the product. That’s an oversimplification repeated by dumb tech journalists who I think are all pussies, but the core of that statement is true. Your private information is worth a lot of money to a lot of people, and nobody’s looking out for you. Nobody. You’re on your own, and everyone will eventually know everything there is to know about you anyway.

I mean, unless you go to Zimbabwe or something.

7. I enjoy Fox News. I really do. I don’t agree with most of what’s said on Fox News, but they are so damn good at producing a slick package of shit meant to scare, offend, and upset you that it’s just so darn entertaining and hard for me not to watch. In fact, if you watch Fox News and pretend that nothing said on there is for real, it’s a funnier and more pleasurable experience than watching anything on Comedy Central.

8. I think Louis C.K. is overrated. I don’t hate Louis C.K. though. I hate pretentious comedy nerds who won’t shut the fuck up about how great he is. In fact, I fucking hate comedy nerds. I love stand-up comedy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do in my life. But I can’t stand comedy nerds, especially the ones who don’t actually do any stand-up, but who often go to shows and want to give the comics “advice” on how they can improve. Hey buddy, you want to give a comedian some advice? Get the fuck on stage first. Then we’ll talk.

9. I think Kevin Smith and Apple ruined podcasting. I really do. Podcasting is awesome. But Apple decided they were going to create a ghetto and stick all of their podcasts in there, and now when you talk about podcasting with people who aren’t involved in the tech or start-up scene they usually go, “Oh? That thing Kevin Smith does?” And I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan! But that shit is annoying. It really is. Here was this cool, personal experience that you could (relatively) inexpensively create that would do what radio is supposed to be doing: Creating a personal experience when people want it most without the need of using any extra or expensive equipment that may or may not work based on your location all at a simple push of a button. It’s simple, easy, and wonderful, but like anything that’s simple, easy, and wonderful, we found a way for a large corporation and a celebrity (I skipped the obligatory fat joke) to fuck it in the ass with their greedy dicks.

But have you tried listening to podcasts on an Android device? It’s not a fun experience. Using Android is not really a fun experience even though most of the world prefers it. I just think it’s an ugly, shitty operating system that mostly runs on ugly and shitty phones. Apple used to have a seamless, smooth way to access your podcasts. And maybe they’ll fix it, between them being difficult for people to now access and listen to on both mobile platforms, and the perception that podcasts are now just a toy for celebrities, I don’t feel the burning desire I had for many years to create an awesome one. So I got this expensive microphone, with a mic stand, and an overpriced Apple Macbook Pro that I bought specifically to edit podcasts on Garageband with, and I just don’t feel the energy or desire to do one.

I know. That’s on me, but this was a very simple thing that got fucked quickly, and I guess what I’m saying here is that I want a check from Kevin Smith for all the mental anguish he’s caused me.

No. I’m just kidding. I don’t want Kevin Smith’s money, but a refund for “Cop Out” would be nice.

10.  I just plain don’t like white people.

I’ll catch you fuckers soon.

***

So, I wrote this post for PandoDaily on Monday, and as I mentioned yesterday, Gary Vaynerchuk is disputing a few points in it.

Each of the points Gary is disputing involve a lot of BIG UNANSWERED QUESTIONS; however, PandoDaily is a respected news outlet, and, for now, they’re going to take Gary at his word on some things until I dig up some more facts.

The reason for all this drama is simple: If I think you’re an asshole, I’m going to take you down. I believe Gary is a member of The Asshole Based Economy, and I want to wipe that economy out. So, I’m investigating him and the claims he makes, the same way I’m going to investigate every person peddling the myth of social media. The more I can do to illustrate their lack of credibility, you know, because I can’t literally kill them, the more aware you are, which allows you to make a more informed choice about where to get your information from.

I’m good with the position Pando is taking because: 1) It’s reasonable 2) It’s nice to see a tech blog take their reporting seriously and 3) I’m not under the same obligation to take Gary at his word as they are, and neither are you.

As far back as 2007 others were stating that Gary talks out of both sides of his mouth for business purposes, and his stories have changed numerous times. Just in the process of Pando’s investigation, it changed.

For example: His story given to Pando on how he came to be represented by CAA is different from the one he gave me in March of 2011 about how he came to be represented by CAA.

Gary has made an entire career, through speeches, books, and his social media consulting business, Vaynermedia, not to mention, the shares he owns in social media companies by peddling the myth of social media and then questioning the ROI of advertising while asserting you can get a better return through social media. Fun fact though, in the first chapter of “Crush It”, Gary talks about how he grew his father’s business from $4,000,000 to nearly $50,000,000 using … yup, traditional advertising.

From “Crush It”:

Hey, let’s have some fun: Go and watch that video of Gary questioning the ROI of advertising, and then re-read the above paragraph from “Crush It”.

This dude will tell you that you can’t tell the ROI of an advertisement in a presentation, but then right in his own book, he says he grew the family business spending his own family’s money on traditional advertising.

If that doesn’t speak to Gary Vaynerchuk’s lack of credibility, I don’t know what does.

But. Let’s say you still don’t believe me that he has no credibility. I encourage you to go read “Crush It” and then come back and read the rest of this post. Actually, do that. Go read that book, and then come back here. This will all make way more sense. In fact, all you have to do is read the book and then look at the statements he’s made online. You won’t need me to tell you he has no credibility and shouldn’t be taken at his word.

But if you still doubt me …

My issue is that Gary tells people social media can make their dreams come true while he has the backing of a major hollywood agency (which Pando states Gary now readily admits helped get him media appearances), and has the resources to execute a comprehensive bulk buying campaign to get himself a New York Times Best Seller not once, but twice. (For “Crush It”, it is now confirmed on one front that he used 800 CEO Reads, and there were POSSIBLY other activities and parties involved. I am working to investigate this possibility.)

So I don’t think Gary Vaynerchuk’s word means anything. He’s a wealthy guy with a lot of connections who saw an opportunity and jumped on it to make himself more wealthy. And as it usually goes in America for wealthy people, things have a way of working out because of their cumulative advantage. Just ask Donald Trump about some of his businesses and their numerous bankruptcies. Fuckface Von Clownstick seems to be doing just fine in life these days.

That brings me to the big unanswered questions:

1. I stated Gary used ResultSource to cheat the bestseller list by arranging for bulk purchases of his book. So far, ResultSource has not responded to my requests for comment. The source for this later suggested he may be wrong on the identity of the company, but insits that Gary used a similar service to get himself on the Best Seller list. The dagger on the listings for Crush It and The Thank You Economy indicate that bulk purchases were indeed made of his book at points of purchase.

So, it is beyond dispute that Gary Vaynerchuk bulk purchased both of his books to get onto The New York Times Best Seller list. The daggers prove this.

The New York Times would not comment on the record for me about matters involving their best seller list and what they determine deserves the dagger when it comes to different kinds of bulk purchases and other anomalies. But. I’ve talked to other companies who study the list, and how it’s reported to work from them is that it’s a “faith-based” system. Reports come in from book sellers about how many copies they sold, the Times more or less takes them at their word. (This, by the way, is why dark pooling is so effective. That’s when you send out a bunch of gift cards to fans and tell them to go into their local bookseller and buy a bunch of books using the card.) The way the Times calculates their list is different from The Wall Street Journal who uses Nielsen’s book data, in part, to determine their list and catch bulk purchase cheating. Jeff Trachtenberg at The Wall Street Journal clarified the difference for me when I met with him a few months ago.

Gary told Pando that he used 800 CEO Reads to manage bulk purchases, and that is what triggered the dagger icon. The CEO of 800 CEO reads told Pando he doesn’t know if bulk orders made through his company trigger the dagger on the NYT list.

I think that statement alone speaks volumes. If the CEO of the company that orchestrates the bulk purchases says he doesn’t know if his company’s activities trigger the dagger, and Gary is saying for certainty that it does? Who are you going to believe? The guy who runs the company, or the social media marketer with no credibility?

What was also asked by numerous parties when I first started checking about the possible use of ResultSource, is whether or not Gary completely denies using another book marketing firm or if he utilized his employees at Vaynermedia to assist with the launch of his second book in a way a Digital Reputation Management specialist might assist in the launch of a book (posting fake reviews, dark pooling the book by buying it at different regional shops in bulk, ect.).

Gary said my statement of him using ResultSource is a “categorical lie”, but he has also not clarified if other companies were involved in getting him onto the best seller list beyond 800 CEO Reads and, possibly, his own company for his second book. And again, ResultSource hasn’t commented.

In truth, I had a source who wasn’t sure on ResultSource, I didn’t hear from ResultSource to confirm or deny if there was a business relationship with Gary, and I had others backing up the claim who had “heard things”. I was wrong to state for fact that Gary used ResultSource; however, the larger point remains: There was questionable activity surrounding the launch of both books. “The Thank You Economy” appears to have only been on the NYT list for exactly one week, which if that’s accurate, would also STRONGLY suggest shenanigans on Gary’s part.

Let’s assume the source was completely wrong and that the others backing it were wrong too. If that’s correct, I got the name of the company wrong and shouldn’t have. Yes. I made a mistake. I’m pretty proud of the fact that this is incredibly rare, but it does happen.

But. Here’s the thing: Regardless of the identity of the company possibly being off, the larger point behind that statement is very much true. There were some unusual activities concerning how Gary got onto The New York Times Best Seller’s list.

Bulk purchasing is cheating, and you all know how I feel about bulk purchasing. Gary is now on the record as saying he orchestrated a bulk purchasing campaign through 800 CEO Reads. There is some indication based on the NYT list and the 800 CEO Reads statement that there may have been other activities as well that got him on the list too that are questionable. This will require further investigation on my part, but I strongly believe there’s much more going on here than what we know thus far.

So, I believe my assertion stands: Gary cheated his way onto the New York Times Best Sellers list. Twice.

2. I addressed the CAA thing yesterday, but in short: Back in March of 2011 when I talked to CAA, they REFUSED to identify what month they started representing Gary in 2007. This refusal lead me to conclude that Gary’s story about CAA coming to him after he appeared on Conan wasn’t true. In fact, I can tell you from my own entertainment industry experience, and from people who work as segment producers, that being backed by a major agency gives you “priority” in terms of getting booked for a show. So again, there wasn’t much reason to believe Gary on this front.

CAA is now, interestingly only after Gary was called out publicly, saying they started representing Gary as of September of 2007.

I think there’s more than enough literature … like pretty much everything ever written about Hollywood, to suggest it’s reasonable that you should never take a Hollywood agent and agency at their word.

But. Let’s say they’re not lying. It’s possible. Stranger things have happened in Hollywood. Even if it’s not true they started representing him post-Conan, I can’t go running around saying that’s how he got on that show and Ellen either until I have more proof.

Here’s what I can and will say, a lot:  We now have, on the record, Gary and CAA saying they represented him as far back as September 2007. This is now fact, I mean, unless they’re both lying. But if we’re going to go ahead and assume that’s not the case, IT IS TRUE that Gary was represented by a major Hollywood agency, and he now “readily admits” that this got him more media appearances.

So again: The dude who is telling you that social media is what can make your dreams come true has now confirmed that since September of 2007, he’s been represented by a major Hollywood agency that has got him a lot of media attention. Does that sound like the “power” of social media to you?

And if you’re thinking, “Gary used social media to get that representation”, go read Social Media Is Bullshit. This is very much a Shit My Dad Says situation in the sense that 1) There’s no such thing as a social media success story and 2) There’s so much more going on behind the scenes involving how he got from Point A to Point B. (Justin Halpern and Eric Becker were interviewed for the book, as was Rob Corddry. The Shit My Dad Says story is pretty interesting and worth checking out. And yes, I’m hinting you should buy the book. Since I’m going to go in for heart surgery soon, that’s probably the only content you’re going to have from me for a while.)

Gary’s story? Not so interesting. Press coverage leads to more press coverage. This is a maxim often repeated by everyone in the PR business, and this has nothing to do with “social media” once the press coverage gets underway. Reporters see what other reporters are doing and copy it.

What’s not been clarified, at any point, is whether or not Gary had been working with a publicist in getting that press coverage in the Summer of 2007, or if it was all self-generated. Gary also claims that the growth of Wine Library TV is entirely from scratch. In fact, this is the entire premise behind his first book, that he started “from scratch”. (And as we already established, “from scratch” for Gary means a multimillion dollar wine store operation in New Jersey that he admits he grew with millions spent on advertising and a budget of $15,000 to build his “personal brand”.)

So how did Gary grow, you know, aside from undoubtably tapping into his network of already established customers at the wine store and advertising partners? If you’ve read “The Anatomy Of Buzz”, or even “The Hidden Power Of Social Networks” (which, by the way, refers to OFFLINE social networks), you can then identify the “growth” that Gary did see happening with his show among this cluster of people within the wine industry and his customers, which then lead to the press coverage about Wine Library TV, orchestrated or not, which then lead to CAA, which then lead to his claims of being a “social media success story”.

As you can see, the truth is much, much, more complex than what’s being portrayed, and by saying he (or Shit My Dad Says) is simply a “social media success story” scrubs all those other factors out. That’s not ok in my book. I see that as distorting reality to peddle a narrative that’s easy to sell, and that’s what I feel Gary has done.

3. Ah, this is where it becomes a giant, interesting mess. So, I talked to a book editor, a couple of agents, and a few authors about Gary Vaynerchuk’s book deal. You know, the one that was reported to be for ten books and was worth millions? According to those people, that deal was not profitable for the publisher. Based on that, I felt confident in making the statement that his deal was not profitable.

Here’s where this shit gets really interesting though.

Remember how I said you can’t take Gary at his word? Go ahead and do an extensive google search. Go ahead. I’ll wait here. Go get Google fired up, and then search for Gary Vaynerchuk + Book deal.

Done? Cool. What did you see? 10 Books, multi-million dollar deal, right? You also saw lots of hype about it, including on Gary’s own Wikipedia page (which, interestingly, has been flagged for sounding like an advertisement. Curiously: There seems to be a lot of edits and maintenance from a specific, tiny group of editors on Gary’s page. The most heavy of which comes from a user based in Gary’s home state of New Jersey named “Alansohn” dating back to December of 2006, and another user known as Agne27. The latter of which has removed, at least once, content that wasn’t “encyclopedic”. Gary started pushing Wine Library TV in February of 2006. Also worth noting is that, Phil Toronto, manager of emerging technology at VaynerMedia, made edits to Gary’s Wikipedia page as under his own name on at least two occasions:

Interestingly: Phil did not update Gary’s Wikipedia page to reflect the actual book deal Gary got, even though the inaccurate deal was being featured on that page. It seems like if you’re position is honesty, trust, and transparency, and your employee is updating your Wikipedia page where something that has gone “misreported” for five years is being featured… you’d have them correct it, right?

Nope. Which brings us back to Gary’s book deal: Did you, at any point, see that this deal was not the actual deal Gary had?

No?

Me neither. Neither did the sources. Gary, surprise surprise, now claims that the media misreported his book deal.

Interesting, right? Now go and see if you can find, at any point, Gary making an effort to clarify what his actual deal was.

No it’s cool. I’ll wait here again.

Maybe there’s something out there, but when Gary told Pando that his deal was “misreported” by the media, it was the first time I and many others had heard of this being the case.

That means the sources were speculating on something, if you want to believe Gary, that didn’t actually exist. So, no, if he’s not lying, I can’t tell you for sure that his book deal was unprofitable.

But again … If Gary is right in that he actually had a different deal than what has been reported, and he made no effort to correct that statement, then that means since April of 2009, Gary has allowed a lie to perpetuate about his big book deal.

See? Yet another instance of Gary being a little less than honest, and why I again don’t think you and I should take him at his word on anything.

So let’s put everything together:

Clearly, I should have double checked my sources. I have questions about CAA, but in the end one source hedged on ResultSource (even though I still haven’t ruled this out) and the others were commenting on a deal that Gary claims went misreported for the better part of five years. Let’s assume he didn’t use ResultSource, that CAA isn’t covering his ass, and that the deal went misreported for five years and he just never said anything despite being the one peddling trust, honesty, and transparency.

In fact, I’ll go a step further: I’m going to assume my sources were completely wrong, and I should have checked things out better than I did. Lesson learned. It also doesn’t really change anything because:

1. Gary did indeed cheat his way onto the best seller list, officially using 800 CEO Reads, and questionably doing other things. Remember: Even the CEO of 800 CEO Reads said he didn’t know if using his service triggered the dagger or not. A minor part of my assertion was wrong (the company name). Absolutely! But! The larger point behind it still stands.

Also: There are an awful lot of these floating around in the over 400 5-Star reviews of a book that received 590 total reviews, and also over on The Thank You Economy Amazon page:

It could be a fan, but this also has all the hallmarks of being a sock puppet. That’s someone being paid to post stuff for you under an alias. The hallmarks here being that this is the only review ever posted by this user, it came the day after Gary’s book went live, it’s a five star review, and it has a lot of votes saying it’s useful.

If it’s true this is a sock puppet, that would prove involvement of another company to promote Gary’s book, despite Gary’s claims to the contrary.

2. Gary was indeed represented by a high powered Hollywood agency as far back as September 2007, and he now “readily admits” that got him more media appearances. He is now on the record as saying this. I believe this makes the whole “self-made social media success story” thing way less credible. Yes. It is wrong to state he used CAA to get on Conan and Ellen without more proof; however, he’s now confirmed for us he had a Hollywood agency getting him more bookings. That’s what I was trying to get at.

3. Finally, Gary allowed, for the better part of five years, for a myth to exist about his book deal. So yeah, I and the sources totally blundered into that one, but I think there is a bigger story here. You might argue that’s just good marketing to allow his book deal to be “misreported” (Gary’s words), but Gary’s big on being honest, open and transparent. For a guy who peddles that stuff, it’s pretty staggering to believe that he allowed a myth that big to go “misreported” for five years. Clearly his employee took a pass on clearing up that mess over on Wikipedia despite having the opportunity to correct this.

There’s a hell of a lot more going on here than meets the eye. So you may see Pando offering a correction, but I’m not going to do the same besides stating this: A few points were wrong, yes. That’s not acceptable. But! The information that we wound up getting from Gary proved the assertions behind those points were absolutely right.

P.S. After I posted this, there were rumors circulating that Yahoo! may buy Tumblr. Gary Vaynerchuk owns shares in Tumblr. How much does he stand to make on the purchase of a company that he’s been promoting publicly and telling his readers and clients to use for years?

No. Seriously. Shut up and go read it. Then come back. That’s not even an affiliate link. Just go get it.

First Thing: Corporate Fuckery

-Ok. We got that shit out of the way. There’s other shit going on. I’m still waiting for comment from LinkedIN. Given what I asked them, they probably shit their pants, proceeded to fling said pants around the office at each other, and then everyone simultaneously decided to kill themselves by taking turns tonguing the nearest electrical socket.

At least, in my mind, that’s what happened and why nobody at LinkedIN has gotten back to me yet. Ditto with Twitter, but back when I did the research for Social Media Is Bullshit I found the people at Twitter were total pussies when it came to answering tough questions. So … no surprises there.

eBay though. Oh man did eBay respond. And in a way that categorically demonstrated they knew they had fucked up and were kinda busted. You’ll see what I’m talking about. Eventually. That article is in God’s hands now. And by God I mean the editor I sent it to. And because of the second item listed below, he and I will be double and triple checking everything from now on so as not to give the bastards (in this case, not eBay) a chance to escape the fire.

Oh, and then there’s this other company, but I can’t tell you about them yet. I’m filming something tomorrow. You’ll just have to turn on your TV and watch it when it airs.

Second Thing: Continued Drama With Gary Vaynerchuk

-So we have tails of corporate fuckery, what else, oh! I know! Gary Vaynerchuk. I’m locked in a “he said, she said” thing with him over at PandoDaily. Truthfully, I fucked up. Possibly. The issue is that there are some companies involved in the he said she said thing, and they ain’t talking. So it’s my word versus his, and that’s annoying for everyone.

I stated Gary was represented by CAA and that’s how he got on Conan and Ellen. I believe this is the case, but CAA, despite ducking the question constantly for Social Media Is Bullshit, is now saying they represented him AFTER those appearances.

So either CAA is covering their client’s ass, or I just remembered things incorrectly. Both are pretty plausible. If you know anything about Hollywood, it’s filled with people who are going to say shit just to keep their job, not lose their friends and clients, and not (God forbid) lose out on any potential future contacts.

However! Let’s say I was wrong. This is the most likely scenario. I very well could have misremembered something I made of a note of in 2011. Shocker, I know. It happens. Even if I was wrong on those two specific appearances, the fact is that Gary was represented by a major Hollywood agency and getting other media appearances while being portrayed as a “social media success story”. The larger point I was trying to make was that he’s not who the media portrays him to be, nor is he often who he portrays himself to be. That’s 100% true.

So, it’s possible I was wrong on two specific shows, but I’m not wrong on the larger point. Ditto with the bulk purchases. The company that he used could be wrong, we do know he used 800 CEO Reads for sure, but that doesn’t nullify the larger point: Bulk purchases were made to cheat the best seller lists.

The fact is: I should have double, and then triple checked things. I usually do. I didn’t here. That’s not acceptable. It won’t happen again. But! These were minor errors at best and they don’t take away from the larger points both of those statements were making: Not all is what it seems with this guy.

It’s real easy to claim you’re a “social media success story” when you have tons of money and resources to throw around, and it’s even easier to tell others how they can “cash in on their passion” using social media when they don’t know the full details of how you go to be in front of them selling bullshit. Not to mention, it’s incredibly unlikely they’ll be able to “make their business dreams come true using social media” because they don’t have a Hollywood agency and the money to bulk purchase books behind them.

There’s something wrong with your messiah social media nerds, I think he’s broken.

Last Thing: Heart Surgery

Listen, this is not a big deal, but I’m going in for heart surgery next month. They’re going to fix a Mitral Valve and (probably) put in a pacemaker. Nothing to worry about. But. The odds are I’ll be really slow to answer emails, phone calls, write blog posts, and really, get anything done.

So! Rest assured I’m not dead (I mean, who the fuck knows, right?) But I’m assuming I’m not dead, and if I seem inactive come June, July, and August, you now know why that is. It’s just a thing I gotta do, and as we established, I am, unlike Gary, exactly who I say I am, and that means being fully transparent with you at all times about everything. Including the size of my dick. It’s huge.

Actually, it kinda is. But no. You don’t need to know that. What are you, five? And if you are, why the fuck would I tell you that? Jesus Christ man, this isn’t 4Chan! That shit doesn’t fly here. Keep your penis size to yourself. And probably your medical conditions too. I mean, unless it’s going to keep you from sharing shit, in which case, you can share if you want, but only if it’s awesome and exotic. So, not at all like mine. More like Hypertrichosis, you know, werewolf syndrome? If you got werewolf syndrome you can say whatever you want. I’m all ears.

So let’s set the record straight: If you’re an asshole … I’m going to take you down.

We’ve talked about who qualifies as an asshole before. If you missed out, go read Social Media Is Bullshit, or if you’re a cheap fuck, go read the FAQ page. That shit’s free. It’ll tell you flat out who’s an asshole and who’s not.

But I want to be clear about something. The thing these guys that I’m going after don’t get, is that they got nothing on me. I’m fully transparent, everything I’ve ever said I’ve done, I’ve done and can back it up with people who were there, and I don’t want anything from these people. I don’t want to work in tech. I don’t want to work in social media. Fuck that. So they’ve got nothing to offer me. Nothing to dig up. Nothing to scare me.

They can’t even sue me because absolute truth is a defense against libel and slander, and I don’t really own anything to boot. I’m completely minimalist. Everything I own fits into a tiny carry-on suitcase. So, good luck with that one guys! I’ll make sure my lawyer sends you my t-shirts because shit, that’s all I really got. And that’s a choice! I CHOOSE to live like that. Could you imagine trying to explain that minimalist lifestyle to these people? It’d blow their fucking mind. “What? He owns virtually nothing, and he likes that?!” You’re God damn right I do, because I have complete and total freedom.

And there’s no axe to grind here. Don’t get it all twisted. There’s no personal vendetta or grudge here. There’s no secret origin involving me or Gary Vaynerchuck or ridiculous backstory involving any of these creeps. I simply believe that if you lie to people and take advantage of them, if you harm them in anyway, you’re an asshole, and someone should stop you.

That’s what we teach our kids now, isn’t it? If you see a bully you should stand up to them? Well if that shit has any merit, then you should all be standing with me. These people are bullies, and they’ve been pushing us around for seven years now. If you’re still peddling the myth of social media? Time’s up.

And to these people, the members of The Asshole Based Economy, I’m the fucking devil incarnate. And that’s mighty fine with me. You know why? Because these assholes are all sinners as far as I’m concerned, and it’s about time someone decided to stand up and call them out. And the best part is that I know I’m not alone. I’m told countless times from people all over major companies like Ford and Pepsi all the way down to the smallest of the small chamber of commerces in this beautiful country of ours, that the word is out about these assholes. And that word ain’t good. So I’m more or less the messenger for everyone who has ever been screwed over by them. I’m not saying anything new, but I do have the balls to put myself out there and say it publicly. And I’m going to keep doing that until I bring each and every single one of them down.

Each and every single one. All of them. They’re all going away. You can count on that.

And this isn’t about selling books. If you think that I’m about selling books, you’re a fucking idiot. There’s no other way around it. You’re a fucking idiot. You don’t get it. Pack your shit. Go home, you’re drunk. You clearly can’t process what’s going on here. If you see me link to the book, which I do often, I’m simply feeding Google. And I’m doing that so some asshole can’t use the name in a blog post, rank ahead of the book, and try to sell you some shit. That’s basic SEO. That’s all that is.

This whole thing, put simply, is about a dude who owns nothing, who wants nothing, who has opted-out from the day to day bullshit of life, who has decided to go on a mission because he thinks that what he’s doing is the right thing to do. Plain and simple. It doesn’t get more easier to understand than that. And that mission he’s on is a simple one: I want to take down these assholes because I believe that’ll make the world a better place.

Believe me, this is not going to be a profitable endeavor. The American media is a superstitious and cowardly lot, and a lot of them are in the pocket of these companies. This little revolution of ours will not be televised. Ditto with our government officials. They will be of no help. You know why? Go and look at how much Google and Facebook have contributed in the previous election cycle. Do you realize that these companies own you now? They do. This country was bought and sold a long time ago, the difference now is that we’re too busy jerking off with our smartphones to pay attention to anything important.

So for the last time: My book was profitable for my publisher. Do you have any idea how incredibly rare that is? And I know it’s going to continue to sell without me doing anything. You know why? Because that’s been the story of that book. It’s all word of mouth, and it’s beautiful. So I’m going to be just fine. There’s no incentive for me to get crazy and make some crazy push to sell books. It’s profitable, I’m going to see a nice check from it eventually. So, I already won guys. What I’m doing now? Not about the book. Not in the least. The book is sort of doing it’s own thing, and I’ve decided to leave it alone because whatever is going on with it seems to be working just fine without me.

But as this mission progresses you’re going to hear this stupid shit a lot. A lot. “Oh, he’s trying to sell books”. Nope! I’m not. Book sells itself dude. I don’t need to do shit. You know why? It’s a good fucking book. I did my job. Typos created by the St. Martin’s copy-editors be damned. It’s a good fucking book.

And then they might tell you something like, “Oh St. Martin’s is putting him up to being crazy to sell books”. Nope. Not true either. St. Martin’s wanted me to wear a suit, stop swearing, change my name to B.J., and be a good little boy in all my interviews. It was totally and completely wrong, but who cares? They turned a profit on a book with an author who had no platform to speak of and had to endure a total and complete media blackout, and that blackout came WHILE I was wearing a suit, smiling, and being a good little boy. You know what the story of this book is? It succeeded despite of everyone and everything trying to kill it, either by ignoring it because it had a swear word in the title (the media … and yes, seriously) or gross incompetence (myself, because as much fun as I have poking fun at St. Martin’s, the buck has to stop with someone in terms of the book, and that buck stops with me. I take full blame for botching its release. And for the record, it was very much botched.)

For that reason, believe me, my relationship with St. Martin’s right now is not at the point where we’re conspiring with each other. My relationship is, they’ve moved on to other books, and they’re slightly embarrassed that I called them out on some of this stuff like the name change and the typos. And maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but you can tell from our email exchanges that no conspiring is going on. In fact, I can’t get them to do shit. You know why? Because publishers mentally check out on books that are almost a year old. I’m not mad. I totally get it. That’s how this business works. I’m not David Sedaris or Malcolm Gladwell, and publishers only have so much time and resources they can give to the no-name authors. So, we ain’t conspiring together. Any allusions to their involvement in anything I do going forward is completely in the twisted little mind of the geek making the assertion. It’s not accurate in the least.

And also for the record, I give my publisher shit, but I like my editor and I wouldn’t mind doing something with St. Martin’s again now that I understand the book publishing business and what’s expected of the authors (which, if you don’t know, is fucking everything). But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to call them out on their shit. I call everyone out on their shit. It makes the world a better place. Not enough of us do that anymore. You know what the difference is? I give them a hard time because I like them and feel disappointed when they make a mistake. I don’t like the assholes I’m taking on. Not in the least. They are unpleasant trolls. You don’t need to look any further than the SXSW incident for proof of that.

So. Let’s make sure we’re all on the same page here: There’s no agenda. There’s nothing to gain. I don’t want anything. I don’t seek anything. There is no plan. It’s a desire and acting on what I think is a sense of what’s right, and what’s right is to take these assholes down no matter the personal cost to me.

So I’m going to start a fire. And that fire starts with the social media marketers, and then the social media industry, and then the tech journalists, and then the tech industry, and it’s going to climb. I’m telling you, it’s going to climb and rise up, and it’s going to come after the mainstream media, and it’s going to go straight to the top, to all the politicians playing ball with the tech companies at the expense of everyone else, and if you’re not an asshole, you ain’t got nothing to worry about. This isn’t about you and me. This is about me and the assholes.

But if you are an asshole, you should be worried. I dig. I dig everything up. I will find all there is to know about every lie you ever told, and then I’m going to nail you with it. And I might make a mistake here or there, and that’s ok because it’ll just make me work harder to find something else, so rest assured that doesn’t let you off the hook. Not in the least. And I’m not going to come after you alone, I’m bringing everyone who has ever been screwed by The Asshole Based Economy along with me.

Count on it.

Like I mentioned in my book, the bullshit these people sell is constantly changing. A lot of you, and I got the book sales to prove this, are catching on to the fact that social media marketing is mostly bullshit. And these hucksters know that you’re catching on, so now they’re moving on to peddling things like “content marketing”, “viral marketing”, and how to be a “self-publishing rockstar”.

It should be no surprise then that Guy Kawaski, who successfully capitalized on the social media marketing craze by preaching advice he didn’t actually practice, is now positioning himself as a self-publishing guru with his latest book. You may recall that Guy was simultaneously telling people to be honest and authentic on Twitter while employing ghost writers to maintain and update his Twitter account. A fact he only “embraced” after he was caught.

In my case, I know a thing or two about manipulating Amazon’s algorithm. And we’re not talking about the basic “how to manipulate Amazon” shit you can find online. I’m talking about the real shit from internal sources at Amazon, people who study algorithms for a living, and black hat types you wouldn’t want anywhere near your wifi connection.

Given that information, plus my own background as a successful marketer (see question #4), I think I can manufacture a self-published bestseller and then turn around and show you how I did it.

My gut instinct is that, like with social media marketing before it, the stuff that will actually work with self-publishing will have very little in common with the shoddy information these newly minted self-publishing evangelists are peddling.

(Protip: Always follow what your gut tells you. Everyone’s got a built-in Spider-Sense. You should be using yours.)

Why would I give this information away when all of these self-publishing hucksters are charging big bucks for webinars and consulting services?

If you have to ask me that at this point, you don’t get it.

I have nothing to gain here. That’s why I infuriate the social media marketers. I’m not like them. I don’t want what they want. I don’t do the corporate speaking thing, I don’t write marketing books, or do workshops, or actively seek consulting work. In fact, the only consulting gigs I’ve wound up taking were for friends who needed some help. I haven’t actively sought out that kind of work, and I have no plans to do so.

In fact, I have no real want of anything in this world beyond the bare minimum: Shelter, sex, and food. Little interests me. It’s all bullshit and noise. I’m just an observer of the human experience, and I like that role just fine. It gives me plenty of stuff to write about.

However, I do feel a strong obligation to help others. Maybe when I’m older, I’ll be cool with just watching everything burn, but although I’m an observer as much as I can be, I also can’t watch people get dicked over. I don’t think someone “deserves it” for not knowing any better, and I’ve met too many people who have been screwed by social media marketers to let this shit slide.

So I make one exception to this observer rule of mine: When it comes to a particular area of expertise where I have an extensive amount of information and experience, like marketing, I’ll step in and do what I can to help. For now.

My hope is that I can train more than a few of you to help catch and dispel this stuff so I don’t have too. Why do you think I speak on college campuses so much? I’m helping to find and train the next generation of bullshit detectors.

All that said, you’re probably wondering what the headline of this post has to do with anything.

I’ve done some math. Strange, I know, given that I was married to a math teacher and had an utter revulsion to its existence for most of my life. Well, don’t be like me. Math is important. You should learn that shit. When the aliens get here, it’ll be the only way we can talk to them. I mean, unless you’re Jeff Goldblum. Then you don’t need to know any math. Apparently Jeff Goldblum can build computer viruses that can interface with alien operating systems without any sort of problem, thus again proving that Jeff Goldblum can do no wrong, I mean, besides act.

And the math I’ve done tells me it’ll cost roughly $50,000 to create a best selling book on Amazon that will rank at or near #1 for at least a month, which then, given a little luck, will create a virtuous cycle that’ll help you sell at least 100,000 books and continue to sell more by you doing absolutely nothing.

The problem is building up that momentum, which is where the expenses start to rack up.

$50,000 is a lot of money. It’s more than twice the average of advances that most traditional publishers handout. It’s also not something readily accessible to a lot of us. (As a datapoint: My advance for Social Media Is Bullshit was $26,000.)

The $50,000 number, and the eighteen months of planning required to pull off any successful marketing campaign, also is not meant to be a general, all encompassing statement that’s going to apply equally to all of you.

Amanda Hocking, for example, had no budget and still sold hundreds of thousands of copies; however, there’s always an outlier, and I’m of the belief that the rest of us won’t be as lucky as her.

(Her books were also being sold at .99 cents each, my hope here is to launch a book that starts at $4.99. There’s more friction involved at that price point than .99 cents. This means you’re now battling against the human conditioning Amazon has done to get people to expect to pay little to nothing for a self-published e-book.

Also, while we’re on the point of self-publishing outliers: None of us are Tim Ferriss, but don’t get me started on Tim just yet. We’ll get to him later.)

Put another way, few of us are going to have it so easy self-publishing. The $50,000 number is meant to represent what I think anyone starting with no connections or resources can expect to spend for a sustained campaign before you factor in other stuff.

Have no fear though. I’m going to breakdown that number in full, because you can’t take down these self-publishing gurus without full transparency. Once I’ve broken it down, I’m going to try to spend as little money as possible, and show you how I got that number as low as I could.

If you can’t replicate what I lay out for you as inexpensively as possible, than I’m not helping, I’m hurting, and I’m wasting everyone’s time.

So, that’s what I’m going to be working on here for you. Step by step. An 18 month marketing plan on a budget of $50,000, and each step of the way, if I can find a short cut that saves time and money, I’ll let you know of it.

Conservatives love referencing Ronald Reagan. Next to Jesus, he’s always in their holster, ready to be drawn and fired when the ‘ol Jesus machine runs out of bullets.

… I probably shouldn’t be using gun metaphors anymore. But you know what? Fuck those crazy people. I’m not going to let their violent stupidity get in the way of a good joke. Or in this case, an ok metaphor.

Oh, and don’t read too much into me picking on conservatives there. I don’t have a political persuasion and I pick on everyone. It’s sort of my thing. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you think, what you look like, or that you had plans to go to the beach at four o’clock in the afternoon tomorrow. If you commit acts of bullshit, I’m coming for you.

I can say that sort of shit now. You know why? Because I no longer have to “behave myself”.

I spent the better part of two years letting my publisher “mold me” into something I wasn’t.

I spent six years in a relationship with someone who never read anything I wrote because “it would make me hate you”, and got really upset when I swore or made Jesus jokes.

I grew a beard. I went back to wearing my glasses. Attempted to work with corporations, did a few appearances for corporate audiences, and I even volunteered to change my name to “B.J.” so booksellers wouldn’t be “confused” by all of my humor columns on the Web and put my book in the wrong section. (Seriously. This was a concern my publisher had.)

Then I realized that, as they have been since I started my own business out of my dorm room in 2001, college students are my primary audience, and my primary audience likes me how I am. Not who my ex-wife, my publisher, and the media want me to be.

Funny thing about the American media too: I totally behaved myself, got a suit, did the whole song and dance like a trained monkey banging my cymbals together, and they still said I was “edgy”. I was also told point blank, on numerous occasions, that because the book had a swear word in the title, they (NYT, WSJ, among many others) wouldn’t cover it.

Can you fucking believe that?

The reason why I mentioned conservatives and their love of Ronald Reagan is because they love him due to his quotability. And probably the thing he’s most quoted for is what he said during his debate with Jimmy Carter when he asked America, “Are you better off today than you were four years ago?” The answer then, was no. Jimmy Carter was an awful president and history’s greatest monster.*

I thought a lot about that question in the past month or so too. And I realized that the answer for me, as it was for America then, was also no.

Having gone through the meat grinder of the traditional publishing industry, I realized I’m in no different position today than I was prior to the launch of the book, and that’s after trying to be someone else for so many other people.

In fact, I feel as if I’m completely starting over.

So, if that’s the case … I’m just going to self-publish my next book.

That’s right. I’m going solo. And the odds are? Even though Social Media Is Bullshit was a profitable endeavor for everyone, it would take a lot of money and a lot more creative control for me to go anywhere near a traditional publisher again. And if the media thinks I’m edgy when I’m on my best behavior, there’s no chance they’re going to pay any attention to what I do anyway in the future, so I might as well say and do what I want as long as my audience is happy with it.

I wasn’t really sure what the point of this blog was going to be, given that I do the bullshit detector thing for a bunch of other outlets, but now I do: I’m going to use this place to document the process of self-publishing the new book and, by all accounts, rebooting myself and my online / offline presence.

AND! Because I’m self-publishing the new book, I don’t have to censor myself or the title. Which means that with this first post, I also have a little piece of news for you. I can tell you that the book will be called “People Are Assholes“**, it’s based off the successful presentation I did at the Associated Collegiate Press Conference in San Francisco last month, and it’ll be on sale for no more than $1.99 on iTunes, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble’s website.

*This is the second straight post with a Simpsons reference. I wonder if I can keep that going.

**Ok. Amazon and Apple have stupid profanity filters, so there might be some adjustments later. I’ll keep you posted.

***

Want to learn when “People Are Assholes” is out to buy? Text me your email address to 518-832-9844

B.J. Mendelson is from Monroe, New York. That’s actually where I’m writing this post from, and it’s probably where I’m going to be until the next project gets underway. Whatever that may be. Probably … it’ll be the new book.

I was born on Long Island (Oyster Bay to be exact) back in 1983. My parents lived there for five years before the rampant fuckery that permeates Long Island was too much for them to handle. So they moved up to the ‘burbs in the Summer of 1988 and from the time I was five until I was eighteen I lived in the horrible community that is Monroe, New York.

Ok. Horrible might be stretching it but … I wasn’t, and still am not, a fan of Monroe.

After I graduated from Monroe-Woodbury Senior High School in 2001, I went off to Alfred State College for a year. Took a year off to run my own business (the one that successfully booked 55 sold out shows up and down the East Coast using only the Internet for marketing), and then I went back to Alfred State a year later.

I was going to transfer to St. Bonaventure in Olean, New York, because they offered me a sweet deal to go there, but my parents, whom named me Brandon because they thought we live in a world filled with “Secret Nazis”, told me “there weren’t any Jews there”. So they talked me into going to SUNY Potsdam where allegedly, the Jews would be.

They were wrong.

Although at the time I hated Alfred and loved Potsdam, as I get older I realized I have that totally backwards. Sure I had my problems at Alfred State (see Chapter 2 of Social Media Is Bullshit), but Potsdam to this day exhibits the kind of fuckery that chased my parents off of Long Island in the ’80s.

Just ask the staff of the 2012-2013 SUNY Potsdam Racquette, the student newspaper. They’ll tell you exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.

During my second-to-last year at Potsdam in 2006, I met my ex-wife Amanda. She’s awesome. We were just totally wrong for each other. But at the time we both ignored the obvious, and over the course of our six-year-relationship I lived in and around South Glens Falls, Glens Falls, and Albany (but only briefly in Albany.)

The only memorable thing about being in Albany was that I wrote up a student during my time as a substitute teacher at William S. Hackett Middle School, and when he asked me why I was writing him up, I told him it was for “being a douche”.

The Capital Region in upstate New York is great … if you’re forty. Any younger and you don’t have a car? Not so much.

Actually, that’s true for all of upstate New York. Don’t go until you’re that old and have your own transportation.

Amanda’s family is from South Glens Falls, and they’re likewise pretty awesome, so leaving was not an option. For her.

For me, it was. And so now I’m splitting time between Chicago and New York. I REALLY like Chicago. I like Evanston more, but I feel at home in that area.

I know the entire CTA system (never, ever ride the green and pink lines, the Red Line is ok until you get to where the White Sox play), I have the City Target in the Loop memorized, the food is great, the people are friendly, the women are beautiful. I can’t say I’m totally crazy about the tech scene (there’s a small group of people who know what they’re doing … and then there are a lot of assholes wasting other people’s money) but it’s like that everywhere when it comes to start-ups. So you can’t count that against the city.

Of course, to actually LIVE in Chicago / Evanston you need a steady paycheck, and when you’re flying by the seat of your pants like I’ve been since May of last year, that makes it really difficult to settle down.

I used to want to settle in Los Angeles, but I hate the traffic. I hate the giant roaches. Everything is expensive. And although there are legitimately cool people there, there’s not enough of them to outweigh the people who have to be fake to everyone they meet because they’re afraid of losing a connection. I don’t really have the patience for that as you might have guessed. So the most LA I’m going to get is my love of the Dodgers, whom I secretly hope move back to Brooklyn after LA becomes uninhabitable. Assuming the Tampa Bay Rays or Oakland A’s don’t get there first.

(The A’s, assuming San Jose is out, will probably go to Charlotte. The Rays will likely stay in Florida but the owner has made no secret about his love of the Brooklyn Dodgers and the potential of Brooklyn to host a Major League Baseball team. Not to mention, with the Yankees probably going up for sale this year and the city’s general apathy toward the Mets, the timing is perfect for a new Brooklyn baseball team.)

With the planet warming, in our life time, LA will be totally uninhabitable too. So I’m not talking about some weird future possibility. This is something we’re actually going to see happen. I mean, unless they put a giant fucking dome over it, but what are we, The Simpsons?

This is a really long, needlessly complicated answer to a simple search query, but fuck it, it’s my blog. I’ll write what I want. It can’t be about marketing 24/7 … right?

P.S. The photo above is what I took of the Pacific from just near the Santa Monica Pier. Santa Monica Pier is my favorite place on the planet. Despite all Los Angeles-related grumbling, I want to go there as often as I can.

I did an appearance on Running Late with Scott Rogowski back in February. There’s not a lot of video out there of me talking about the book in a less formal setting, so I hope you’ll enjoy seeing this.

Part 1

Part 2

Until now.

On March 19th at 7pm, I’ll be at St. John’s University (8000 Utopia Pkwy, Queens, NY) as a guest of the Marketing and Advertising Club.

The room is  R407 in the D’Angelo Center.

To get to St. John’s you can take the F fo 169th and walk a bit to the campus OR for a more direct route, take the QM5 Bus.

P.S. If you’re in Western New York, the Alfred State College event is also open to the public. It’s 7pm on 3/26.

Aside from a researching a pitch I started involving Task Rabbit and this blog post, I am taking a writing break for the year.

I’ll update Twitter if I have something really funny, but otherwise I’ll just be retweeting other people’s stuff.

There’s really no reason for this. I’d just like a break. Social Media Is Bullshit took three years of my life, and pretty much every waking moment of those three years, so I’m enjoying the downtime.

Don’t worry. I’m working on something to do this year, it’ll be big, but it won’t involve a lot of writing. When I have details of that, I’ll update this blog, but until then it’ll be quiet here for a while.

As always you can hit me up at BJ at BJMendelson dot com until the next update.