(Note: This is something I’ve wanted to shoot at a comic convention. It’s done in the style of Vogue’s 73 Questions, which I really enjoy. So at some point, we’ll film this, but for now, here are my hopefully funny answers and the original video with Michelle Wolf that inspired this post.
P.S. If you have not watched “The Break” on Netflix, do yourself a favor and check it out. It’s still early, and you can tell they’re still figuring things out, but Michelle is hilarious as are the segments.)
On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?
Probably a seven. A ten if I get to meet Diamante.
Describe yourself in a hashtag?
If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?
Girl or guy?
Girl: Tahani from “The Good Place.”
Guy: Lewis Tan from “Into The Bad Lands.”
If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?
What’s your wakeup ritual?
I goof around on Twitter.
What’s your go to bed ritual?
I read a history book or autobiography for one hour each night.
What’s your favorite time of day?
What is one thing no one knows about you?
I was a Republican until I reached the age of reason.
Dream country to visit?
What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?
I almost died after going in for “routine” heart surgery.
Vintage or new?
Who do you want to write your obituary?
Favorite professional wrestler?
What are three things you can’t live without?
Water. Pens. And paper.
What’s one ingredient you put in everything?
Salt because of I have low blood pressure.
What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?
George Carlin. Abraham Lincoln. And Stephen Colbert. All three would love a good fart joke.
What’s your biggest fear in life?
Window or aisle seat?
What’s your current TV obsession?
“Justified” on Amazon Prime
I write great superheroine-in-peril porn.
Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?
I slept with one of my stalkers.
How would you define yourself in three words?
Former Mall Santa.
Favorite piece of clothing you own?
What comic book should everyone read?
“All-Star Superman” by Grant Morrison
Superpower you would want?
What’s inspiring you in life right now?
Martin Luther King said that the arc of history is long, but that it bends toward justice. I really believe that.
Best piece of advice you’ve received?
Work smarter, not harder.
Best advice you’d give your teenage self?
Don’t be a dick.
A book that everyone should read?
“How to Win Friends and Influence People”
What would you like to be remembered for?
Making everyone on the planet laugh
How do you define beauty?
All women are beautiful in one way or another. Men on the other hand …
What do you love most about your body?
My friend Jackie and I have a running joke about collecting all the things people have said about one part of me. She wants to turn those quotes into a calendar.
Best way to take a rest/decompress?
Favorite place to view art?
Anywhere there’s art.
If your life were a song, what would the title be?
“White & Nerdy” by Weird Al
If you could master one instrument, what would it be?
If you had a tattoo, where would it be?
Dolphins or koalas?
What’s your Patronus?
There’s an old Internet wrestling meme of Triple H holding every single WWE title and I laugh every time I see it.
The best gift you’ve ever received?
My ex-wife made me go on a scavenger hunt for my birthday. It was awesome.
The best gift you’ve ever given?
I gave my fellow Resident Assistant a two-foot-long dildo and a cowboy hat for their birthday.
What’s your favorite board game?
What’s your favorite color?
Least favorite color?
Something I like to call “piss yellow”
NXT or Monday Night Raw?
Justice League or Avengers?
Metallica or Iron Maiden?
Going to the gym or doing yoga?
Coffee or tea?
What’s the weirdest word in the English language?
Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
Stairs or elevator?
Summer or winter?
You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?
A dessert you don’t like?
Fried ice cream.
A skill you’re working on mastering?
Writing comic books
Best thing to happen to you today?
The worst thing to happen to you today?
Getting rejected on Grindr
Best compliment you’ve ever received?
One of the quotes for Jackie’s calendar is, “I thought you were exaggerating”
Old comic books
Hugs or kisses?
If you made a documentary, what would it be about?
My Dad’s time growing up and teaching middle school in the Bronx
Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?
Everything makes me cry. If you think Kevin Smith is a big blubbery baby, you haven’t seen me watch a car commercial yet.
Dogs or cats?
Sweet or savory?
Guy: Dragon Lee
How you know you’re in love?
When you’re not sick of talking to, or being around, someone for more than a year.
A song you can listen to on repeat?
“Stranger than Fiction” from Bad Religion
If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?
My cats, Molly or Finley.
What are you most excited about at this time in your life?
Having an opportunity to revise some of my old work.
Your go-to for having a good laugh?
Medieval Land Fun-Time World from Bad Lip Reading
Your affirmation for today?
“What’s the worst that can happen?” I want that on my headstone.